Between their mid-twenties and early-thirties, most girls enjoy the annual hustle-and-bustle that is bridesmaid season.
Likewise, each year a new wave of trends emerges to help engaged couples display their unique style through trailblazing ideas like cupcake towers! And mason jars! This year I will be stepping up as a Maid of Honor for the first time, and my best friend Samantha has been adamant on following the newest nuptial trend: Destination Bachelorette Parties!
I know what you’re thinking: Author, don’t you live in New York City, the most expensive city in the world? How on earth can you afford to pay your rent, pay for your regular wedding duties, AND plan a lavish bachelorette vacation? Well, reader, the answer is simple: Samantha has found a partner in life. And quite frankly, I feel pretty #blessed to celebrate this amazing achievement, even if it feels like the financial weight of two weddings instead of one. In fact, if I could add a third celebration without my stomach ulcer making me excrete what my doctor calls “stress-blood,” I absolutely would.
Besides, once I saw the excitement (and sheer determination!) in Samantha’s eyes as she handed me the list of eighteen friends/other girls she felt socially obligated to invite to the French-Danish island, Croix le Monchandon, how could I say no? Clearly, this gal is cuh-razy in love, and when a lady finds her man, she is owed lavish rewards! Who am I to get in the way? I am not in love right now, but my day will come. And when it does I’m sure Sam will go above and beyond. I mean, she’s not much of a planner, but I’m sure it’ll work itself out!
“In fact, if I could add a third celebration without my stomach ulcer making me excrete what my doctor calls ‘stress-blood,’ I absolutely would.”
First I had to find the perfect pad to house eighteen girls. Boy, finding an affordable place that spacious on French-Danish Air BnB was no easy task, especially for an island that takes a plane and two ferries to access, but as luck would have it, September is actually their hurricane season, so we managed to find a great house for a bargain! I still had to forego buying my siblings’ birthday gifts this year, but as I explained to them at their parties, Samantha has literally found the love of her life. Sorry guys!
Once we got to planning, I realized that in addition to travel and housing expenses, no bachelorette party is complete without themed favors! I’ve already been living off the free bagels that the bodega owner next door throws away after dark, so Bridesmaid Rebecca took the reigns and ordered pink sunglasses and emergency canteens that can filter ocean water. (Hurricane season, y’all!) The other girls have already begun making room assignments and as expected, nobody wants to room with Felicia because she has undiagnosed mania and tends to ruin parties by fast-talking about her dead or dying relatives, but what would a gathering of eighteen financially strained twenty-somethings be without a few tears, right? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. When two people find each other, their lives become meaningful for the first time, and Samantha needs to be rewarded for completing her metamorphosis into a HUMAN WOMAN.
“I’ve already been living off the free bagels that the bodega owner next door throws away after dark, so Bridesmaid Rebecca took the reigns and ordered pink sunglasses and emergency canteens that can filter ocean water.”
I realize that weddings are a $60 billion dollar industry, and there’s almost no end to the number of personal touches you can put on your big day, but Samantha’s decision to force me to plan the bachelorette party of her dreams was a major no-brainer. I’m sure once we pull this trip off, more young girls struggling to support themselves will jump on such an awesome fad, because if you want to make lifelong memories with your best friend (and some of her fiancé’s cousins from Jersey), an off-the-grid, high-risk tropical island is pretty much the only suitable option. Bon voyage!
Writer & Comedian