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Here Are Some Body Shapes I Learned About While Bridesmaid Dress Shopping

There is nothing quite as bonding an experience as a group of women trying to describe their bodies in the terms of an existing object. As co-maid of honor in an upcoming (jk it’s seven months away) wedding, these shapes, previously assigned to everyday objects like fruit and household appliances, become the signifier of Who You Are.

After trekking across the country to a bougie New England strip mall to go bridesmaid dress shopping, I learned that not only are the bodies of the five-pronged bridal party all different, but they are also all bad because they do not belong to model Candice Swanepoel.

I, for instance, am the shape of a tall but sturdy reading lamp, best used in old libraries and themed restaurants. I learned this from a very helpful associate at Anthropologie — who literally had a photograph of model Candice Swanepoel on her person when we first met — and I wanted to commit her shorthand to paper for your benefit.

Here are some body shapes I learned about while shopping for the perfect dress over two hundred dollars that I will wear once that is also miraculously flattering on four other women, and some thinly disguised insults for your Lady Friends, too.

The Hourglass-small

 

Body Type: The Hourglass

Description:

While some magazines will tell you that hourglass shape is good for attracting young nine-to-fivers and birthing, this is a tragic shape for any woman because it means you are going to die unless you do a handstand within the hour. While it is possible to live with this shape, it is impossible to sleep safely for more than forty-five minutes, and allowing yourself to die is the more viable option.

Good Dresses For You:

The best dress for the hourglass is pants, or underwear that reads “I AM NOT DOING GYMNASTICS – I AM SAVING MY OWN LIFE” to avoid too many questions.

Good Colors For You:

Think jewel tones and solids, so that passerby don’t notice that your body is full of constantly depleting sand.

 

Body Type Rating: BAD

 

 

 

 

 

 

Body Type: The Pear

Description:

If you are a woman whose shape is like a pear, you want to direct attention away from your hips, which used to mean that you are “well-suited to child-birthing” but now means that you are the “first to be burned at the stake when the Hearst Corporation wins a lawsuit to reinstate public execution.” When you are shaped like a pear, it is wisest to sit in a basket of other shapes and say, “hey, feel no pressure to like me even though I am the best shape in the basket.”

Good Dresses For You:

The best dress for Pear is an A-line skirt that places a large, red “X” over the hips of the body in question, and a large arrow pointing upward that reads “THIS INSTEAD.”

Good Colors For You:

Green is the pear go to, but don’t be afraid to purchase a dress with an alarming brown spot on it.

 

Body Type Rating: BAD

The Honda Civic

Body Type: The Honda Civic

Description:

If your body type is Honda Civic, you appear to men as easy to steal and having great mileage. For this body type, it is important to keep your leather interior well groomed and to honk only at those who capture your attention (at the risk of getting a reputation as the Honda Civic who has sex with everybody.) The Honda Civic shape is difficult to dress but is extremely loyal, and it is important to remind your mate that you can withstand numerous car crashes without sustaining too much damage. If there’s any doubt, let them hit you with their car!

Good Dresses For You:

Mostly tarps.

Good Colors For You:

Black with flames.

Body Type Rating: BAD

The Banana

Body Type: The Banana

Description:

Banana-girl, you are in luck! You have been confused with a woman’s shape and are actually a life-size, throbbing penis. This shape is ideal because of its ability to slip into any old thing, and will easily attract a mate who thinks they’re seducing a woman but are actually looking for physical and emotional validation through self-obsession, vanity and feeling like they have something to prove.

Good Dresses For You:

For material, think something that is very washable. As a sentient, humungous dick, there’s a good chance it’ll get messy.

Good Colors For You:

Whichever is closest to the skintone of your mate.

 

Body Type Rating: BAD

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Body Type: The Inside Out

Description:

This body type befalls women who were unfortunate enough to sneeze three times and then say “SCUSE!” in a high pitched voice, almost as a fourth sneeze, in locations below the equator and above sea level on the solstice. A woman’s body can still be sexy and adaptable even when flipped completely inside out, exposing it to bacteria and the elements and effectively reducing expected lifespan to about three days. Make the most of it, while you got it, girl!

The Inside Out

Good Dresses For You:

Think absorbency. A mermaid cut with sleeves lined by three to five inches of thick gauze will still leave you exposed to the elements, but won’t stain!
Good Colors For You: Yelling “NOT THE PIXAR MOVIE, IDIOT!” and laughing like a maniac as you track blood through the food court of a local mall.

Body Type Rating: BAD

 

Body Type: Model Candice Swanepoel

photo: stylebistro.com

photo: stylebistro.com

Description:

This body type is named for model Candice Swanepoel, whose name I wish I had thought of on a bet for “who could think of the most ridiculous name for a model.” Graceful like a swan, thin like a pole, plus a few misplaced vowels to indicate that models maybe aren’t so smart but sometimes they are? I don’t know. Anyways, this body is a model’s body, specifically the one that belongs to model Candice Swanepoel.

Good Dresses for You:

This one, pictured here on Candice Swanepoel.

Good Colors for You:

This one, pictured here on Candice Swanepoel.

Body Type Rating: GREAT

(It goes without saying that because all body types not belonging to famed model Candice Swanepoel are all plus-size and, therefore, double bad.)

Up next: I am planning a tea party and my relatives will continue to publicly insult me in lieu of, I dont know, not doing that.

 

Jamie Loftus
Used to Work at a Hot Dog Stand
jamieloftusisinnocent.com
@hamburgerphone

All graphics also designed by Jamie Loftus because she is that talented.

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